i am proud....
a lot of my friends and aquaintances remember me going to baguio this summer for a retreat. i am perhaps one of the few people who really volunteered to go...and that is because i did not allow myself to be bothered by the work that awaits me after the retreat. i see retreats as a way of energizing myself, preparing myself for the coming school year. in this retreat, i allowed myself to be open, and to have a listening heart.
Anyhow, the retreat started quite beautifully though baguio at that time of the year is so unpredictable; sun is out shining and next thing you know, it's raining cats and dogs. We were given this nice notebook for us to write on. it was thick with beautiful inserts. i guess i was inspired to write on it my reflections, art works and such. i was having a wonderful time going to my corner of mirador villa...it was strategically located in one of the gardens that was overlooking the city. i even had regular "cafe by the grotto" at 10 pm....unmindful of the fact that my companions were a lone street lamp, a cup of coffee,rolling fog and my text mate(you know who you are...thanks!).
And then in one of the sessions our facilitator made us imagine being in the presence of Jesus...and He was talking to us....telling us why He was proud of me.....and then i was stumped! i found myself dreading such an encounter. I have always said to people that i can die anytime because i am not tied to anything, nor to anyone. but don't get me wrong, i am happy and i am enjoying...it's just that i'm free to leave....but when our faci made us imagine that scene, i felt like crying. whenever i remember it, i feel like sobbing....when i was reflecting during the ignite, bam! there it goes again, the dread...just like how i feel now....
what can jesus be proud of me? 31 years of life in this world and i can't think of one...have i been taking up space here in this world as i continue my meaningless existence? is it meaningless? i haven't found my answer, i dread looking for an answer. is he proud of me?
Anyhow, the retreat started quite beautifully though baguio at that time of the year is so unpredictable; sun is out shining and next thing you know, it's raining cats and dogs. We were given this nice notebook for us to write on. it was thick with beautiful inserts. i guess i was inspired to write on it my reflections, art works and such. i was having a wonderful time going to my corner of mirador villa...it was strategically located in one of the gardens that was overlooking the city. i even had regular "cafe by the grotto" at 10 pm....unmindful of the fact that my companions were a lone street lamp, a cup of coffee,rolling fog and my text mate(you know who you are...thanks!).
And then in one of the sessions our facilitator made us imagine being in the presence of Jesus...and He was talking to us....telling us why He was proud of me.....and then i was stumped! i found myself dreading such an encounter. I have always said to people that i can die anytime because i am not tied to anything, nor to anyone. but don't get me wrong, i am happy and i am enjoying...it's just that i'm free to leave....but when our faci made us imagine that scene, i felt like crying. whenever i remember it, i feel like sobbing....when i was reflecting during the ignite, bam! there it goes again, the dread...just like how i feel now....
what can jesus be proud of me? 31 years of life in this world and i can't think of one...have i been taking up space here in this world as i continue my meaningless existence? is it meaningless? i haven't found my answer, i dread looking for an answer. is he proud of me?
posted by wickedsensei at
6:00 PM
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